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Someday You’ll Return review – a fascinating but flawed brand of horror

I can’t remember the last time a game forced me to inhabit someone I loathe quite as much as Someday You’ll Return’s insufferable protagonist, Daniel.

I hate his smug, condescending voice and his icy contempt for others. I hate his agitated sighs and engorged ego, and how he prissily sweeps up the discarded sweet wrappers he finds littering the forest. As they’re the only parts of his body I see with any regularity, I hate his fingernails, too, and how he jauntily cries “Refreshing!” every time the arrogant asshat gets the chance to scrub clean his fat, sausage fingers. He’s a cold, shallow husk masquerading as a man of integrity and if I could’ve walked him off a fecking cliff and ended my experience 15 minutes in*, I would’ve. Game over. The end.

We meet Daniel (oh, you just know he doesn’t like to be called Dan, don’t you? That if someone mistakenly made the friendly abbreviation, he’d bristle and flash a cold smile – “It’s Dan-ee-ul, actually”) – and yes, I realise there’s a lot of projection here and I’ve possibly been wronged by a Dan-ee-ul in a past life – but kudos to the writing team. Kudos indeed. Daniel is one of the worst men I’ve ever met, in-game or in real life, and as such, he’s achingly, horrifyingly real.

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