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What the Cluck? KFC Announces New Video Game Console


The buzz around upcoming game consoles from Sony and Microsoft has been building steadily, and KFC — yes, that KFC — has evidently decided this is the time to shake up the company’s recipe for success.

KFC has declared that it will launch a game console on November 12, 2020, with a declaration on Twitter. Behold the KFConsole:

KFC’s Brand Engagement Manager for the UK and Ireland, Josh Benge, released the following statement:

At KFC we’ve been continually astounded by the gaming community’s amazing response to everything we’ve done and we had to give back with something truly incredible. We wanted to give gamers the best gaming experience on the market, with the convenience of a home chicken supply and so the the KFConsole was born. We can’t wait to get into our fans’ hands later this year.

The original PR references an “11GHz Zinger processor,” and I really want to tell you that’s absolute proof that this is a joke — except companies have been known to play fast and loose with clocks and core counts before, with bird-brained references to “128-bit” consoles during the PS2 and Dreamcast era.

Building a Console: No Poultry Task

Pro Tip: If you want to catch a wild journalist in its native habitat, sprinkle clever headlines and subheads throughout the office building and/or studio apartment until you hear the journalist quietly chuckling to itself. Approach quietly. Offer small amounts of praise until the wary journalist approaches. Many subspecies respond well to coffee.  

The game console industry is famously difficult to enter. If there’s a critical game demographic calling for chicken-themed products, we don’t hear from them very much. Whatever KFC’s plan was with this, it seems to have worked. I want to know if the company is actually planning to build a game console with a chicken chamber, even if they’re stretching the definition of “console” to mean “You can hook it up to a TV and play a built-in copy of the Colonel Sanders-themed dating simulator, I Love You, Colonel Sanders.” (This is a real thing that actually exists and is for sale on Steam. I’m not linking it.)

ColonelSanders

Kill me.

“It has to be a joke,” I whispered to myself for the 20th time while writing this article. Chicken chamber? “Zinger” processor? 11GHz? It’s a joke. The video quality is crap. Nobody is serious about this.”

“4K compatibility,” the traitorous part of my brain whispered back. “Cross-platform compatible. Runs at 120 FPS. And fast-food companies do really stupid things. Someone at Burger King thought The King was a good mascot. Someone else decided not to drag that thing behind the back of the studio and shoot it for the good of all mankind. Mistakes were made.”

Chicken chamber. Nobody would actually build this product. Nobody could believe this was a product. It’s a joke. It’s going to turn out to be a chicken fryer and all of the ‘120fps’ and ‘4K’ will turn out to be references to other settings or jokes or something. Probably lame jokes.”

“Bitch, please. It’s 2020.”

“Tell me you are absolutely, positively certain that no company would do this. I didn’t say it wouldn’t suck. I said it might exist.”

“I win.”

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